Tag Archives: kids

June 13, 2011 · 5:06 pm

Don’t sweat the small stuff

There are certain aspects of life we have no control over: the weather, air travel…and the ex. This is why we’re divorced—no partner to control us, and likewise no partner to control. And that’s fine if you have no offspring to raise. But for those of us who do have kids, once they head out the door to the ex’s, we relinquish all control. God only knows what may lie ahead.

I’m in such a predicament at the moment. Two weeks ago Mr. X and I had a thoughtful, respectful, yet strict conversation with our own offspring. The subject? No sitting in front of computers or TVs this summer or on school weekends. Outside activity is on the agenda and it’s non-negotiable. After some grumbling from the kids, we did actually negotiate a plan with them involving various sports, parks and healthy eating. Woohoo! Mission accomplished! Except…

We started out well. That’s because we started chez moi, where my health-nut lifestyle makes it easier for the children to stick to the rules. Last Thursday I sent Mr. X a reminder email about food and outdoor fun before the girls headed to his place. And guess what? Today I find out there was no outdoor fun of any kind all weekend, and questionable, frozen food dishes seemed to be on the menu. Arrrrrrghhh! All my hard work and careful meal planning out the window.

OK, deep breath. This is a perfect example of what entails Small Stuff. It’s not so important in the long run because the kids will be doing the right thing when they’re with me, which is 50% of the time. Big Stuff? Skipping class or hanging with drug addicts comes to mind. Of course their dad would never allow that. So am I going to give him a piece of my mind anyway? I’m very tempted, but will withhold my anger and just remind their absent-minded father about the agreement we made with the girls.

Your ex is probably weaker in some areas and more capable than you are in others. The solution is to fill in each others’ blanks. Mr. X is a math whiz, so thankfully it’s not up to me to decipher my 8th grader’s funky algebra equations before trying to explain it to her—wrongly. That’s what co-parenting is all about—sharing the joy and the pain. So don’t sweat the small stuff, because with kids there’s always plenty of Big Stuff to go around.

Now get outside and play. A fine dinner will be served at seven.

—The Fine Divorcée

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June 7, 2011 · 10:35 am

For the sake of the kids

I don’t agree with those who say that divorce is horrible for children and to avoid it at all costs. Those couples who stay together and hate each other—”for the sake of the kids”? No way that can be beneficial for the offspring. Children are much more aware and resilient than we give them credit for. The under-18 population has been overcoming horrendous odds long before we ever entered this earth: death, war, plagues, famine. Divorce is almost a walk through the park compared to these.

I say “almost” because we divorced or divorcing parents are often not keeping them from very negative repercussions. Telling the kids that Mom is insane is not helping them. Screaming at your ex over the phone because he’s late picking them up for the weekend is not beneficial. The children absorb these rants as partly or entirely their own fault. And asking them to take sides is, in my opinion, the lowest of the low. What is the point, really, except to make the kids feel even worse than they already do?

Mr. X and I discussed staying together for our girls’ sake, but came to the realization that since they were both so young (2 1/2 and 5 years at the time), they would never know the difference. An unhappy parent an unhappy child makes. Our girls are now 12 and 14 and are extremely content, well-adjusted teenagers (an oxymoron, I know). We always make sure they know how much we love them; we never speak poorly of the other parent in front of them. It helps tremendously that they were so young when we separated, but even if your kids are older, if you pay attention and support and love them as co-parents, they’ll be fine.

I’ll end this entry with a quote from my girls: “We love living with you one week and Daddy one week. The thought of being with one of you guys all the time? No way! It would drive us crazy!” I take that as a compliment.

Now is a fine time to pull out a photo of your little munchkins, smile at the thought of their messy bedrooms and send lots of love their way.

—The Fine Divorcée

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May 16, 2011 · 7:31 pm

The Scream

You’re pissed off at your partner. All the time. Everything he or she does makes you want to tear your hair out. You want to howl out the window to the world, “I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”

I hear ya.

Unfortunately, I literally hear ya. Your shouting penetrates the walls of your abode and is starting to create a neighborhood disturbance. I imagine your children are cringing in the far corners of their rooms.

Is this necessary?

I know, I know. Your ex is so stupid/insane/controlling that you just can’t help but lose it. But you need to get a grip. First, try to put your kids’ feelings first. They don’t deserve to be punished for what is basically your and your spouse’s fault. The Fine Divorcée has one rule and one rule only: keep the kids out of the turmoil.

Believe me, I’ve been there, so I know what it’s like—I get a very nice high from yelling at the top of my lungs. But when in a disagreement with your spouse, consider your short and long-term futures. Will screaming at each other help to resolve the issues? Will it make it better between you? I can vouch that it does neither. In fact, it will only hinder your goal of getting what you want.

Here are some small suggestions to let off your steam while avoiding the repercussions of an angrier spouse, frightened children and anxious neighbors:

a) Rant and rave alone in the shower. This is the perfect venue to let it all out because no one can see your not-so-attractive red and swollen face. Plus your tears just wash down the drain. Note: lock the door to avoid a worst-case scenario, and turn on the fan for extra sound insulation.

b) Head to the garage, get in your car, turn up the hard rock tunes past 10 and commence screaming. It’s advisable to do this from your garage instead of actually scream-driving, because the last thing you need is your spouse now yelling at you about the dent you just put in the new car. Important: do not start car unless you are exiting garage!

c) Sign up for a boxing class. I swear this is the ultimate way to take out all your stress. Not only can you visualize your partner’s face on that boxing bag as you pound away, you will also end up getting into top shape. No yelling necessary, just some serious grunting. And you’ll be much too wiped out and high on endorphines to even think about picking a fight afterwards.

d) If all else fails, take a photo of your partner shrieking at you and have him or her do the same for you. Believe me, it will make both of you think twice before attempting that highly unfashionable look again.

Screaming is a great way to relieve stress. Just remember that it also causes significant stress to others who might be in your presence. So have the presence of mind to be alone when doing it. (Note to self: do as you blog.)

Of course, if you want to yell out to the world how much you love your partner, then I say hallelujah. Just maybe don’t jump up and down on the couch on Oprah while doing so. A little too Tom-Cruisy/Charlie-Sheeny in my humble opinion.

I believe it’s that time again—time for a fine coffee break, with maybe a little something sweet to accompany the caffeine.

—The Fine Divorcée

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