They say to never discuss religion or politics at a dinner party. I agree, so thank God, Allah, Yahweh and Buddha for blogs.
If you’re feeling extreme religious guilt over the moral connotations of divorce, then this entry is for you. (If you’re agnostic or atheist and ending your marriage, feel free to replace the word “God” with “morality”.)
Let me say first that I come from a very religious family background—about as religious as one can get. Fortunately, guilt wasn’t a big part of my own denomination, but it was still able to sneak in through the back door via my parents. Parental and religious guilt combined is a double whammy. So being a bit on the receiving end of both, I wrote a close relative, who happens to be a renown professor emeritus of religious history at a prestigious university. I asked him about marriage and religion. His response: “Marriage is a civil state, recognized by government and the law. The clergy only gives its blessing.”
Hmmm. Somehow I doubt the government cares about guilt. Or maybe in a way it does, with all those tax breaks for the married. But my feeling is that God does not want us to suffer and that He or She would most certainly not want us to stay in an abusive marriage. I’m pretty sure God is OK with divorce, as long as we’re not hurting others intentionally. Methuselah and his 969 years aside, it’s only been in the last 70 or so years that we’ve been expected to live long enough to have time to even think about leaving our husband or wife.
We all make mistakes and sometimes the mistake we made was just marrying the wrong person. The point is not to guilt ourselves into depression, but to take the initiative to do your divorce right. Don’t be petty or cruel or insensitive. Be empathetic, be flexible, be understanding. And, as always, keep the children out of the turmoil. If you do this, then there’s no reason to feel guilty. After seven years, I’m perfectly content to let my parents do that for me.
Now, why not take a deep breath, let it out slowly and do a little meditation on forgiving yourself? It’s a fine way to live.
—The Fine Divorcée
afinedivorce 