There are certain aspects of life we have no control over: the weather, air travel…and the ex. This is why we’re divorced—no partner to control us, and likewise no partner to control. And that’s fine if you have no offspring to raise. But for those of us who do have kids, once they head out the door to the ex’s, we relinquish all control. God only knows what may lie ahead.
I’m in such a predicament at the moment. Two weeks ago Mr. X and I had a thoughtful, respectful, yet strict conversation with our own offspring. The subject? No sitting in front of computers or TVs this summer or on school weekends. Outside activity is on the agenda and it’s non-negotiable. After some grumbling from the kids, we did actually negotiate a plan with them involving various sports, parks and healthy eating. Woohoo! Mission accomplished! Except…
We started out well. That’s because we started chez moi, where my health-nut lifestyle makes it easier for the children to stick to the rules. Last Thursday I sent Mr. X a reminder email about food and outdoor fun before the girls headed to his place. And guess what? Today I find out there was no outdoor fun of any kind all weekend, and questionable, frozen food dishes seemed to be on the menu. Arrrrrrghhh! All my hard work and careful meal planning out the window.
OK, deep breath. This is a perfect example of what entails Small Stuff. It’s not so important in the long run because the kids will be doing the right thing when they’re with me, which is 50% of the time. Big Stuff? Skipping class or hanging with drug addicts comes to mind. Of course their dad would never allow that. So am I going to give him a piece of my mind anyway? I’m very tempted, but will withhold my anger and just remind their absent-minded father about the agreement we made with the girls.
Your ex is probably weaker in some areas and more capable than you are in others. The solution is to fill in each others’ blanks. Mr. X is a math whiz, so thankfully it’s not up to me to decipher my 8th grader’s funky algebra equations before trying to explain it to her—wrongly. That’s what co-parenting is all about—sharing the joy and the pain. So don’t sweat the small stuff, because with kids there’s always plenty of Big Stuff to go around.
Now get outside and play. A fine dinner will be served at seven.
—The Fine Divorcée
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