alone | afinedivorce

So many of us are afraid to leave a bad relationship for one main reason: we’re unaccustomed to being alone. Who will go out to eat with us? Who will watch the new season of Mad Men with us? Who will listen to us when we’re feeling low? It’s a bit scary, this being alone. But “alone” does not need to mean “lonely”. It just takes some practice getting used to hanging with our new BFFs: Me, Myself and I.

To set the record straight, Facebook is not to be included as a new BFF. Sitting in a room, staring at a screen as an excuse for intimacy is depressing. Those 452 “friends” you have listed? When was the last time you sat face to face in non-virtual reality and had an actual spoken conversation with one of them? If it’s been over two weeks, time to head out that front door and experience how wonderfully unexpected life can be on the outside.

Now that I’ve gotten the FB thing out of my system, on to more cheerful suggestions. Outside of your friends and family, you really can learn to enjoy your own company. Here are some Fine Divorcée easy suggestions, based on much experience:

1. Take yourself out to eat at a congenial restaurant, preferably one that you know well. Bring along a book, magazine or i-version of either and seat yourself at the bar. Why the bar? You don’t have to look out over the crowd of couples and you always have the bartender to converse with. Plus, the bar is generally populated with others also eating alone. I adore this experience. If I’m in a social mood I’ll inevitably end up in a conversation with someone interesting. If I’m feeling solitary, then my reading material keeps me perfectly occupied.

2. Travel alone. Honestly, there’s nothing better for the soul, nothing more fulfilling. You can make your plans and no one will sabotage them. No need to even arrange your excursions in advance, as waking up in a new place with so many possibilities is one sensational energizer. Just wander and see what unfolds. I’ve met some fascinating people during my solo travels and learned much about others in the process. Don’t forget to use suggestion number 1 for refueling purposes.

3. Discover those interests near home that you’ve never had time for in the past. Being alone means having lots more time to treat yourself to the little joys in life. Now you can take that cooking class and finally learn how to sauté (hmm, definitely something I could use). Or how about that little farmers’ market you keep meaning to check out, but blow off for the convenience of the local supermarket? Or maybe it’s time to learn how to roller-blade like a pro? And my own personal favorite: a day at the spa. Just booked one for Sunday, actually.

4. The cinema. Yes, you heard me right—not Netflix, not Hulu—the movie theater. No better place on earth to hang out with yourself. It’s dark, there’s popcorn to not share with anyone, and a story in which to lose yourself. Of course, some places are weird about unescorted movie-going. I lived in Los Angeles for a bit in my late twenties and once was asked in a cinema line-up how many friends would be joining me. I said I was seeing the movie alone. “All by yourself?!” was the shocked response. L.A.—where insecurity rules.

There are some occasions where being alone can suck. I avoid going to parties solo where I’m not already part of the inner circle. These things are meant for socializing and no matter how many times I’ve forced myself into the situation, I’m always a little freaked out by it. If you still feel this way after trying my four suggestions a number of times, then no need to push the envelope. Call a friend instead. But I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to excel at at least two types of outings on your own. That reminds me of suggestion number 5: a nice glass of Pinot Noir can do wonders for your socializing capabilities.

Now, what is the name of that fine cooking class that I saw advertised on Facebook the other day?

—The Fine Divorcée

There it is, waiting for you with open arms and pillows—your empty bed. You may be the type who stares at it in disgust—only because it reminds you too much of your failed relationship. But try to look at this as the start of a new relationship, one which will bring you much-needed respite. I’m talking about a beautiful bond with your bed.

You now have all that space to yourself. Think about it—you can finally stretch out full length in total bliss. No one will wake you up four times a night with their snoring/tossing/blanket-stealing. No one will “accidentally” whack you across the head while in R.E.M. mode. No one else’s alarm but your own will rouse you in the morning. And who really enjoys peeling open one’s eyes to the sight of a nose-hair-covered nasal passage? Or to the lovely odor of drooling halitosis?

Let’s face it: a good night’s sleep does not come easily to those of us over 35. Granted, some of us need a warm body alongside our own in order to avoid counting sheep, and that’s wonderful. But if you’re in a bad relationship, I doubt sharing 300 to 400 square feet with your nemesis is going to help you catch any serious z’s. If you’re alone and you need to sleep with someone, I suggest getting a cat. “Cat” is basically the definition of “sleep” as they do it oh so well. There’s nothing better than snoozing under the warm and fuzzy weight of a feline. Dogs can be substituted for those who hate cats, although in my experience they tend to snore… and fart.

I personally love sleeping alone (or with my cat). It’s also one of the reasons that my partner of five years, Monsieur Z, and I choose to live separately. Don’t get me wrong—I enjoy sleeping with him (and his cat), just not every night. He occasionally snores and enjoys inching bit by bit into my zone. I’m a tosser and robber of blankets. Besides, I need my beauty sleep, which sometimes entails applying rather frightening products to my face for the night. I’d rather he not be witness to such a sight. My cat could not care less.

So get rid of that old duvet cover and dress it in a style that’s 100% you. Flip that mattress or even buy a new one. Then climb in and embark on a fabulous new relationship with your bed. We spend one third of our life in it—why not make the most of it?

Actually, now is the perfect occasion to shop for some fine 500-count sheets.

—The Fine Divorcée

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