afinedivorce

And now a small word about Maria and Arnold (yes, yes, I know—I’ve fallen for the quintessential subject du jour).

We can never really know what goes on in a marriage or a relationship. What may appear to be the perfect union could be a couple in denial. And the couple who’s always fighting? Well, they could very well happily argue til death do them part.

Maria and Arnie’s thousand-watt smiles seemed to promote a happy couple. She supported his political life (even if it was for the opposing party) and he… well, he was always singing her praises, albeit while galavanting with other women on the side. I, for one, was not surprised by the announcement that they had separated. Nor was I the least bit shocked by the subsequent announcement that he had fathered a child that was not Maria’s. Every single relationship has its problems.

It’s impossible to know what goes on behind closed doors. And thank God—it’s hard enough to juggle what’s going on behind our own. Personally, I don’t approve when couples compare their relationship to others’:
“Why can’t we be touchy-feely like them?”
“Why can’t you be romantic like him?”
“Why can’t you appreciate me like she appreciates him?”
Yuck. Do we need to add insult to injury by judging our coupledom against those we really know nothing about? In the end, as they say in Hollywood, nobody knows anything.

When Mr. X and I told friends about our separation (I’ll delve into informing families another day, as it’s an entire subject of its own), the various reactions were telling. Some friends who had been part of our entourage for ages were very surprised. New acquaintances and other close friends, not so much. But everyone had an idea of what was going on behind our closed doors. What’s interesting is how these friends then went about choosing sides and making judgment calls. In a divorce, not only do you lose your partner, you are bound to lose certain friendships.

The best thing to do is to not get bogged down by who doesn’t choose you, nor by those who do and then feel obligated to offer their profound wisdom. “I always thought he was an asshole” is a comment to ignore (even if you heartily agree). “Are you OK? Let me know how I can help” is a friend you can count on. Don’t deny your ex those friends who choose him or her over you—your ex will appreciate it, as will the friends. Taking the high road is always preferable to whining and stamping your foot in protest.

Just remember: at least the state of your relationship is not being tweeted and scrutinized the world over. Poor Maria. Poor Arnie (yes, he’s suffering too). If only your friends and family—and possibly the nosy neighbor down the street—are discussing your coupledom or lack thereof, then consider yourself one lucky human being.

Time to drop all comparisons and treat yourself to a little outing—that new Hollywood blockbuster at the local cinema, if a bit mindless, sounds very fine.

—The Fine Divorcée

The other day, a reader and friend told me that she loves my blog and she wants to send it to someone who could use a divorce in their life. I was very happy to hear that someone loves my blog, but then I got this scary feeling that maybe I come across as the rah-rah section for divorce. “Give me a ‘D’!”

No way. I am not a cheerleader for ending a marriage, particularly ones with children. I believe that the majority of people don’t leave a spouse easily. For most of us it is or was a long, anguished-filled process. We cry, we rant, we worry, we beat ourselves up over it. No one decides to get married just so he or she can then choose to get divorced. “Honey, we’re spending thirty grand on the wedding, so the divorce should be around, hmmmm… 200 grand, give or take. Let’s take it!”

Please.

If you are considering divorce, then avoid slam-dunking the big “D” on your unsuspecting partner at the end of a frivolous argument. Do the mature thing and show some consideration and empathy for the other team member. And if you have children, you need to attempt every possible solution to save the marriage.

Mr. X and I have children. We were in therapy for four years before our separation. The last year and a half we were going three times per week: him Tuesdays, me Wednesdays and both of us together on Fridays. Those were brutal workouts, but necessary in order to plow through the anger and the bitterness. We tried everything—and I mean everything—to win the game. In the end it didn’t save our marriage (obviously), but it helped us both tremendously to make the decision in a way that would least affect our daughters.

“But,” you say, “I can’t afford therapy.”

Yes you can. Believe me, a bad divorce could cost you and your children a lot more, both financially and emotionally. Take advantage of free or low-cost counseling at university psychology departments, churches, mosques and synagogues, or community centers. If your partner refuses to go (often an issue with men), go alone.

And men, listen up. You were brought up not to discuss your fears and feelings, but if you take your stress out on your family, this is not healthy—and it’s not nice. Most of you don’t have the support of friends like we women do, so consider your relationship a sports team and hire an excellent coach. You may not win the Super Bowl, but you’ll feel good that you gave it your all. Your biggest fans–your children—will appreciate your effort.

I’ll dwell on the subject of therapy at greater length another day. Right now, it’s time for a good, sweaty workout—the kind where you walk away feeling exceedingly fine.

—The Fine Divorcée