When creating a baby, it takes one sperm to one egg, full equality between the partners. Granted, the mother has to carry the baby for nine months, but the father has to deal with her crazy hormones and provide her with ice cream and Snickers bars at odd hours of the night. A pretty even call, I’d say. So why do so many custody arrangements in the U.S. give the father so little time with his children? Why isn’t the norm 50/50?
This is a perplexing question. I’ve heard stories of mothers demanding no less than 80% custody, which I assume is because they’re unable to relinquish control over their kids. Three years of legal battles and six-figure lawyers’ fees later, the father typically gets one night per week and every other weekend with the children he loves. Sorry, but I think that sucks. Kids need their dads equally as much as their moms. And fathers need to experience the ins and outs and joys of child-raising. Moms, if you love your children so much, let them go to Dad’s.
I live in Quebec, a rather feminist society. When my children were in daycare, I never failed to notice that more dads than moms were dropping off and picking up. I know of no custody arrangement in Quebec that isn’t 50/50. Fathers fully share in their offspring’s development, school decisions, homework and doctor’s appointments. Mr. X and I never even considered the alternative. And you know what? If we had stayed together I guarantee my girls would have grown up seeing their father a lot less. He would have succumbed to the rat race, staying late at the office and missing out on their lives. But because of our divorce, his children are number one and my girls are happier because of it.
Another positive aspect of this arrangement is that I get to be 100% Mom when my girls are with me, and 100% Free Woman when they’re not. I adore being a mom. I enjoy my quality time with them fully. When they leave (which is always happily as teens generally cannot stand one parent or the other after 48 hours), I can work late, go to the spa, shop, hang out with my girlfriends, go on dates with Monsieur Z, travel. My life is the perfect combination of fun and family. Happy parent = happy children.
Here’s a small suggestion for those of you in the process of making this decision. If your children are young, a week can seem an eternity. Mom, take them Mondays and Tuesdays; Dad, you get Wednesdays and Thursdays, and both of you alternate weekends. Once they’ve reached the age of seven or eight, make the move to one week on/one week off. I find this arrangement benefits school-age kids, because it’s harder to follow through on homework and projects when they’re changing houses every couple of days.
I believe the younger generations of American fathers are much more involved than the over-40 crowd has been, so I think custody arrangements will change for the better. Until that time, we moms need to let Dad take the kids to the dentist. Believe me, he’ll soon be giving us pointers on how to get the kids to floss!
Now I believe is a fine time to plan a weekend getaway, sans enfants.
—The Fine Divorcée
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