There it is, waiting for you with open arms and pillows—your empty bed. You may be the type who stares at it in disgust—only because it reminds you too much of your failed relationship. But try to look at this as the start of a new relationship, one which will bring you much-needed respite. I’m talking about a beautiful bond with your bed.
You now have all that space to yourself. Think about it—you can finally stretch out full length in total bliss. No one will wake you up four times a night with their snoring/tossing/blanket-stealing. No one will “accidentally” whack you across the head while in R.E.M. mode. No one else’s alarm but your own will rouse you in the morning. And who really enjoys peeling open one’s eyes to the sight of a nose-hair-covered nasal passage? Or to the lovely odor of drooling halitosis?
Let’s face it: a good night’s sleep does not come easily to those of us over 35. Granted, some of us need a warm body alongside our own in order to avoid counting sheep, and that’s wonderful. But if you’re in a bad relationship, I doubt sharing 300 to 400 square feet with your nemesis is going to help you catch any serious z’s. If you’re alone and you need to sleep with someone, I suggest getting a cat. “Cat” is basically the definition of “sleep” as they do it oh so well. There’s nothing better than snoozing under the warm and fuzzy weight of a feline. Dogs can be substituted for those who hate cats, although in my experience they tend to snore… and fart.
I personally love sleeping alone (or with my cat). It’s also one of the reasons that my partner of five years, Monsieur Z, and I choose to live separately. Don’t get me wrong—I enjoy sleeping with him (and his cat), just not every night. He occasionally snores and enjoys inching bit by bit into my zone. I’m a tosser and robber of blankets. Besides, I need my beauty sleep, which sometimes entails applying rather frightening products to my face for the night. I’d rather he not be witness to such a sight. My cat could not care less.
So get rid of that old duvet cover and dress it in a style that’s 100% you. Flip that mattress or even buy a new one. Then climb in and embark on a fabulous new relationship with your bed. We spend one third of our life in it—why not make the most of it?
Actually, now is the perfect occasion to shop for some fine 500-count sheets.
—The Fine Divorcée
afinedivorce 