The other day, a reader and friend told me that she loves my blog and she wants to send it to someone who could use a divorce in their life. I was very happy to hear that someone loves my blog, but then I got this scary feeling that maybe I come across as the rah-rah section for divorce. “Give me a ‘D’!”
No way. I am not a cheerleader for ending a marriage, particularly ones with children. I believe that the majority of people don’t leave a spouse easily. For most of us it is or was a long, anguished-filled process. We cry, we rant, we worry, we beat ourselves up over it. No one decides to get married just so he or she can then choose to get divorced. “Honey, we’re spending thirty grand on the wedding, so the divorce should be around, hmmmm… 200 grand, give or take. Let’s take it!”
Please.
If you are considering divorce, then avoid slam-dunking the big “D” on your unsuspecting partner at the end of a frivolous argument. Do the mature thing and show some consideration and empathy for the other team member. And if you have children, you need to attempt every possible solution to save the marriage.
Mr. X and I have children. We were in therapy for four years before our separation. The last year and a half we were going three times per week: him Tuesdays, me Wednesdays and both of us together on Fridays. Those were brutal workouts, but necessary in order to plow through the anger and the bitterness. We tried everything—and I mean everything—to win the game. In the end it didn’t save our marriage (obviously), but it helped us both tremendously to make the decision in a way that would least affect our daughters.
“But,” you say, “I can’t afford therapy.”
Yes you can. Believe me, a bad divorce could cost you and your children a lot more, both financially and emotionally. Take advantage of free or low-cost counseling at university psychology departments, churches, mosques and synagogues, or community centers. If your partner refuses to go (often an issue with men), go alone.
And men, listen up. You were brought up not to discuss your fears and feelings, but if you take your stress out on your family, this is not healthy—and it’s not nice. Most of you don’t have the support of friends like we women do, so consider your relationship a sports team and hire an excellent coach. You may not win the Super Bowl, but you’ll feel good that you gave it your all. Your biggest fans–your children—will appreciate your effort.
I’ll dwell on the subject of therapy at greater length another day. Right now, it’s time for a good, sweaty workout—the kind where you walk away feeling exceedingly fine.
—The Fine Divorcée
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